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Showing posts with label Feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Feelings. Show all posts

18.1.13

No Goodbyes here.


HERE
In all honesty I told him today wasn’t as exhilarating as I had anticipated it to be. I’m yet to receive his reply. I didn’t tell him how I wish to drive on an unending highway with sad songs playing all throughout; it would give him wrong signals about my feelings. But I tell you here, Please bear with me.

Sometimes I wonder how it feels like to just leave. Not have to say a teary goodbye to anyone or live in fear of never seeing them again. To lose someone momentarily is just as bad as losing them forever, don’t you think? I am afraid it’s not something I can do and perhaps it could be an unwise decision later. But what I am more afraid of is that he might be capable of the very same thing. Gone. Poof.

12.1.13

Going Away.

HERE
I sat on the floor abruptly without noticing the scissors slip out of my slim fingers. The childish sketch of mine stuck on the card waiting to dry and the pink beads half stuck on the sides, forgotten. Two nights ago, a lot of things changed. The way I felt in that moment, I still do. It circulates like the blood in my veins, at the back of my mind.I didn’t know there were so many things more to know about him when we both moved here to this dead city, which gave us so much life in return. Not that I wasn’t happy to discover all over again. I’d never know how he smells like in the mornings, how the fish he prepares tastes just like my Mother’s, how he watches the news every day. All these things I’d never know if we were just our 16 and 17 year old self back in our little town.

Now I wake up in the morning and suddenly it hits me, everything’s going to be different. It’s like sitting on a time bomb counting the days for it to explode and I know I’m not going to die but the wound will impair me all the same. I think I should pray but I don’t. I’m sitting here trying to find the reasons why I’m so afraid when I shouldn’t be. I’m wondering how I should begin telling you about it. I’ve told him I’m getting drunk on his birthday.

10.1.13

The Moment I knew.



HERE

When you find someone who Loves you beyond the appearances and the physicality’s, it could either be the most amazing or the most pathetic thing ever. My Chemistry Professor says there are only two choices in life. Nothing aches my heart more than knowing that he failed to notice the laces and the curves.

I’ve always questioned my motives here. I write these posts like I’d write my diary if I had one. I don’t know why I write them, perhaps it's because like I said before, we write the things we can’t say, I come here for an hour and share my deepest thoughts with a part of the world that's invisible to me. I'm afraid a lot of times, not being sure of how much is too much while my head and heart yearns for an outlet. But every time I read the comments and there is always something positive, when someone tells me that they turn off their music while reading my posts, it is a moment of clarity. It’s like that ease I feel when I close my eyes at the end of a very tiring day.

And I realise exactly why I come here. It feels safe. Thank You.

23.12.12

I'm sorry you're you. Happy Holidays.



HERE
HERE

Till today I had been carrying a certain guilt with me because I believed in Odem when she told me I was ‘muck’, last summer on the last night at home. The misunderstanding that led to such an allegation was trivial and I was partly to blame, and even though I apologized the next day before getting on the plane, I knew she would never accept it.

I came back to the city and somehow life pushed that night a little less out of focus. It was subdued, yet very much present. Today KS called me and said something that put me at ease. He said that his cousin was an unrefined young lady who had little or no etiquette to talk to elders or anybody. He elaborated on the few things she said to his mother that was much out of line.

As he did so, I could hear her say I was muck that last summer in that callous tone. I knew what he meant because I was there too, in a similar situation with her. I never had the courage to tell him the things his cousin had told me that night because I was afraid of things I can’t explain. Today had nothing to do with me but I learnt something, being shadowed in flamboyant sanctity doesn’t make up for deficient decorum.