Between Mothers, Angels, and sluts.

HERE

Keeping someone else’s secret terrifies me more than my own. My relationship with KS remains embedded to where it began, while I watch everything around me and ‘us’ grow diversely. I’m uncertain as to whether I am gradually turning into my Mother or if everything around me is really as blunt as my feelings render. Most of the conversations that I have with my Mother turn into a debate. Last summer the first thing she said to me when she met me at the arrival terminal of the airport put me off and within the first 5 minutes of landing on home ground; I wanted to fly back in the same aircraft screaming. She made a senseless remark about my smoky eye makeup.

Thousands of conversations have taken place over the years and I can barely remember one where I thought her opinions were unbiased on popular demand. And after every ‘debate’ I’ve warned my older self to never turn into a cynic. Last night I got a first peek into my impending (horrifying) transformation when I convinced myself and Mimi that her ex-boyfriend will be sorry for going after a ‘slut’ who looked and sounded so much like an angel to him. Only that night, her antics were not too celestial. 

I’m a Tad too late but dropping in New Year wishes and also a Massive Thank You to everyone here for reading my blog and leaving lots of Love each time. It means so very much to me.

Thank You.

♡

Once upon a time.

Here

Fragments of my fears resulted from all the summer evenings on the front yard of my Mother’s sister’s house 4 hours away from my town.

I’d sit down with my Mother, her sister (my aunt) and her daughter beside the Hibiscus shrubberies and listen to repetitive counsels on the importance of a ‘good’ life partner.

When I was young, my Mother would tell me bedtime stories – Gulliver’s Travels, Little Red Riding Hood, Buddha etc. She would sing lullabies too on many occasions.

Eventually the stories stopped as I grew and they were replaced by ‘vital’ advices every now and then.

It was on a winter night when I sat on the floor facing her on the bed that she told me a story just like the Little Red Riding hood except here, I wore the Red Cape.

She elaborated on the big bad wolf and how I should turn around and run if I ever encountered one.

My Fear then substantiated because I was already in Love with the big bad wolf, and he was beautiful.

Once upon a dream

HERE

Silence.

I lay next to my mother in a dark room.

I expected a pandemonium of sorts and all she gave me was silence.

I traced it back to June where we went for that trip because I had no idea how long it had been.

And she had no idea who was the father.

I wanted to tell her, I wanted her to ask.

But we lay there in dark silence, time was all we had.

Father was in the next room and he said something about me being a ‘shame’.

My words were vague but I did mention I Love him.

I fell off the cliff and had two miscarriages, this was my first success.

Mother was saying it to my aunt.

Phoney congratulations pouring in as I wasn’t married.

A tinge of embarrassment ran through my veins.

I woke up at twilight and I thought,

If dreams really mean something, what did mine mean?

Silence yet again, but a peaceful one.

Thank God for the present.